“When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”
― Edward Teller
I was all up in it the night before.
As the news shifted from alarming to horrifying to downright unbelievable... my fired-up thumbs and I were issuing forth a full-fledged verbal onslaught to the assembled masses online. There were brief lamentations::: My heart is heavy. 😔🙏🏻
Long-winded, borrowed song lyrics, trying to pre-emptively wax all stoic about our present circumstances:::There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven ....A time to laugh, a time to weep...A time to build up, a time to break down... A time to dance, a time to mourn
Out-and-Out Fire in the Belly Rants, with accompanying #hashtags, and poignantly-placed emoticons :::
You know what's up right, guys???? Each and Every Fucking One of Us..... being called upon to step into the role of Light Worker. Water Bearer. Truth Teller. Jedi Masters, each and every one.
Our Country is on the verge of cataclysmic choice. And it looks as though Salvation is not likely to be found from on high.
It shall sprout from darkened, destitute corners.
This is the deep dark... before a Powerful Dawn. 🙏🏻👊🏼 #faith #imwithus#callinginthepeople
I believe in us, you guys.
I am damn saddened and amazed by the seeming turning of the tide tonight.
But I know some pretty amazing people.
I know some brilliant-ass Lights.
And I know WE can forge a future that is better than whatever gets handed down to us tonight.
#callinginthelightworkers #wearemightierthanthisshit 🙌🏻
A world gone temporarily nutzo coupled with the facile nature of a handheld communication device had rendered me unstoppable.
Conflict had made me bold.
With my child safely ensconced in her slumber, I reached out for camaraderie with the small, digital lifeline afforded me. A brief, bewildered text to my husband, stationed at a bar down south:::
Me - We got it so Wrong!!!
And He replying, in typical, stoic efficiency - Everybody did. Adjust.
And finally, an actual call to my sister. Though her voicemail informed me that she had already called it quits on this vexing night's affairs.
I over-filled my wine glass once more (like much of the rest of the country, so it would seem), refreshed the dizzying page of data once more on my palm-sized oracle... and digitally sounded the Rallying Cry a few times more before finally succumbing to confusion & exhaustion, plus a certain twisted sort of hope lingering somewhere inside my mind (because it stands to reason... darkness is almost always a pre-emptive condition for Light to come forth, is it not???)
And then I woke again this morning.
And there was so much more.
The layers began to surface as I started on the rhythms of my daily routine.
As I brewed the coffee, and sipped my quart of lemon water, and took my seat upon the meditation cushion and set the timer for my ritual ten...And so much of the fire in my belly of the previous night... had up and gone. Replaced now by a sense of Weight. A penetrating sadness. A step-cousin to Despair. As I sat there, dutifully reciting my silent chant,
"Sat Nam Sat Nam Sat Nam"....
"Truth is my Name.. Truth is My Name...Truth is My Name...."
Inhaling Truth. Exhaling my own holy Name.
The Yogis tell us there are 3 different "flavors" that permeate all of Existence. They're in our food. Our air. Our water. Our earth. They're in our thoughts and inside our cells.
Tamasic - which is weighted & heavy. Sluggish & inert. That feeling of dull-ness & stagnation. That Dream when the Bad Man is chasing you and you turn to run away but your limbs are made of lead. And will not move. When he is leaning in toward you menacingly, about to strike, and you open your mouth to scream, and yet there is no sound.
Rajasic - HEated. Vigorous. Brusque. Hot sauce and cartwheels and 10-item Express Lanes. That feeling you get after the 3rd cup of coffee. Great for getting shit done, but also the energy that leads to depletion & burnout. Aggression. Anger. Rage. Fighting Fire with Fire & managing only to raze the whole damn Village in your wake.
Then there is Sattvic - the Goldilocks Zone of the bunch. It is that place you visit after an hour or so inside your running shoes, or laid out puddled on the mat. That feeling you get from a warm cup of tea or a bright plate of food freshly sprung from the earth itself. It is your cells pulsating in soft receptivity as you lay inside the arms of a beloved, inhaling their precious scent - marveling at the wonder and sweet, fleeting nature of it all. It is the walk in the woods. The gazing at the Ocean's depths or breadth. It is ee cummings and Hafiz and Rumi and your favorite song turned up Just Loud Enough and you dancing barefoot on a solid, earthen floor.
It is Lightness & Ease. Movement & Energy & that feeling that you are being Held. IT is Forward Momentum - but in an un-hurried, deeply supported & sustainable way.
It is where I am trying to get back to right now.
As I sit there, eyes closed, calling in the Truth that is my birthright.
That is written in my bones and in the stars.
It is the place I am seeking from deep inside my heart.
And inside this moment, I feel the truth of all these Elements residing somewhere inside of my being. The weight. The mournfulness. The step-cousin to Despair. The feeling that I do not want to be alone right now because my mind, in many ways, feels like a bad neighborhood - and I do not want to get lost in there.
I feel the Fire. The heat. Miraculously somehow not manifesting itself in the form of Anger. There is enough of that around me, to be sure. But disguising itself cleverly instead as a form of agitation and jittery ennui. Where do I go? What do I do? Where do I start?
In a moment of human history, where there are so many dire issues seated at the Table with us and a heap more about to be offered...
Where do I turn?
Where do I begin?
So many thoughts, feelings, decisions to be made.
and the hamster wheel starts to spin.
And then there is the Light. the Light. If I can sit and breathe deeply enough.... she always comes. And re-presents herself to me.
The place inside me I have learned to access through the humble Vehicle of Practice.
And I nuzzle in and get quiet now, to listen to her speak.
Where shall she guide me?
What steps do I first need to take?
And so I sit humbly and seekingly - and prayerfully craft these words to you. Knowing, as I do, that you all are a bunch of Warriors & Truth-Tellers & Teachers & Healers & Change-MAkers & Light-Bearers in your own right. And so I pen these love notes. Reminders to take heart. Keep the faith. Keep showing up. Keep doing your unique brand and path of Good in the world. Because, in the end, we will prevail.
I show up to my weekly classes - small though they may be - and say thanks that I get to offer this small gift of healing to my people. That the efforts I am making in the world today - will add to its nurturance. Not its demise.
I hug my kid. God, do I hug my kid.
I read another thread of input on my little handheld dopamine-maker. My sister, awake. Reaching out to respond:::
I don't want to engage in any kind of argument, but our views were very different this time around.
And I reach out for another big gulp of air - realizing, in one rough swallow - that every member of my family has had a much different take and experience inside this Moment than I have.
Another reminder to have courage. Be kind. Seek the truth inside of this Confusion. And remember we all want the same Great Things in the end. We just carry very different maps to get there.
I will show up at the places where they tell me good people are gathering. They are concerned and they are mounting a peaceful, solid plan. I will sit down and listen. And I will speak up, as there is need.
I will play this song on Repeat for as long as I need.... Maybe longer. Imbibing its meaning into my cells.
...Lead me from the unreal to the real
Lead me from darkness to the light...
I will keep waking up early and taking my seat. Move through my practice. Take deep, slow breaths.
I will drink the water, a little less of the wine.
Pour the heart-lightening tea, avoiding the 3rd cup of engine-revving coffee right now.
I will stay on the lookout for the people, organizations and communities that are Doing Good Work - and I will offer them my heart, my words, my money, my time.
I will move deeper still into this Sattvic seat of my own heart. Listen quietly for the paths and promises stored there. and I will once more take the steps forward - that it bids me go.
and maybe, just maybe, I will heed the words of my not-so-former, Vitriolic Orator self as she bade me:::
What will you do tomorrow my friends?
How will you (we) greet the day?
Tomorrow I will rise in full possession of the knowledge that my government no longer represents any part of my heart, will or wishes.
I will rise knowing that any good and honest work to be done in the world must be accomplished by these two hands.... and the fingers of those closest to me.... whom have earned my faith and trust.
I will arise thoroughly dis-illusioned of any great, white hope come to save me and the world in which I live from the perils that engulf us.
I will rise with full knowledge of my own potent, humble space within the world.
I will rise. Ready to do battle.
With humble heart, word, & sword.
I will look the headlines in the eye.
Wipe a tear.
And get to fucking WORK. ❤️💪🏼👊🏼
#practiceandalliscoming #wegotthis #ohnoyoudidnt #rise #peacefulwarrior #rise
there is much to be done.
May be we diligent. Prayerful. Humble. Wise.
May we stay in the Goldilocks Zone, and out of anger & despair.
May we take whatever Medicine & Hope & Practices we have at our own disposal - and swiftly jettison them out into the waiting World.