The Sun came out for the first time in oh-so-long the other day. In its' presence, I hadn't realized - just how very much I'd missed the Light.At this moment in time, the Darkness feels tangible, palpable - something I can hold in my hands, that rubs up uncomfortably against my skin. A blanket of shade.
I am approximately 1 & ½ years into a mystery injury that affects my right hip. Doctors and chiropractors and bodywork and acupuncture and the whole nine (not to mention the ever-present yoga-ing I dole out for myself) and still I’m none the wiser as to What Is Going On.
Some days the pain levels me.
Some days my foot lands on the pavement just so that it sends an electric shock up my right side - and I gasp - for the moment, unable to move myself forward.
Some days I give into it - cozy up to the wave of self-pity and even despair as the nerve endings bleat out a refrain in my mind:::
I am broken. In need of repair.
But I don’t know the source of my damage.
The locked door to where my Healing lies.
And so I stumble forward - blind - without a key.
The way is barred to me.
Before I gave birth to my daughter, I would occasionally have pregnant ladies drop on into my class.
I’d offer them a quick smile in greeting and then proceed to offer up all manner of movements that were entirely wrong & ill-advised for the body they were currently in.
A slurry of Twists.
I’d watch them grimace at certain points in the practice, their bodies protesting to what was being asked.
In fact, I had no idea what I was asking them to do.
What limitations or strains this new body posed.
It wasn’t until I came into a body like theirs - one thick & heavy with new life growing inside it - one made unusually open and achey and in deep need of rest. Only then did I comprehend what I had been asking. Only then did I see the inappropriateness of what I had taught them. The gifts I sought to bestow - were the not the ones they had need of.
These bodies needed different tools than the one I’d been carrying.
And it was not until I experienced this - inside my own belly, bones and skin - that I was able to offer these tools.
I had to grow this knowledge - from the inside out.
I used to wield sunshine in super-charged doses.
When a bout of lethargy or sadness would rear its unsightly head, I’d knock it back with the full arsenal I had on deck.
Coffee & salads & long lists of goals & projects & scheduling my days near down to the minute - chock full of action & light.
Any lingering Yin would be kicked into oblivion by a full-frontal outpouring of Yang.
Go! Move! Do!
Improve! Improve! Improve!!!
And these tools have been temporarily taken from me now.
This body calls for rest and gentle movement.
For deep patience and meditation and breath.
At this moment, I can no longer shine the megawatt bulb of constant doing & flurry of healthful, go-gettum activity that once constituted my go-to for any problem Life issued forth.
I cannot launch myself - will myself - into the Daylight right now.
I am being called to sit with - make peace with - the Dark.
I invite you to honor what is coming up inside your world right now. What is nestled in your heart.
Maybe you, like me, are at a moment where you are being taught to see inside the darkness. Maybe you are being called to learn the Wisdom of setback - the teacher of frustration - the Way to sit with and transform the Pain.
Perhaps we are being summoned into the Shadows right now - to help us birth some Greater Light.
May you be gifted the tools & allies you have need of.
May you have the courage to abandon those that no longer work or service you.
May we be able, as Rilke said, to "live the questions".
Let go of the desire for the easy answers.
Trust the process.
Engage the Mystery.
May you be granted patience & faith & deep Compassion for What Is.
May we cease, for now, the struggle.
May we be watching, listening - calling to the Light - the Miracle - that is even now - waiting to arrive.